- You made me feel guilty.
- You made me feel sad.
- You made me feel like I don’t know what I am doing.
- You made me mad when you...
- You made me fall in love with you.
The above are statements we have all
either said or heard. The above are statements that confuse me.
I do not believe that anyone can make me
feel anything, unless of course, they physically touch me. I do not believe
that anyone can make me feel guilty, unless I already feel it. Same for
sadness, ineptness, anger, love, etc.
Most people find it easier to blame others
for the way they feel. Take a moment and really think about the fact that someone made you mad. Did they? Is
someone else truly responsible for making you mad, or are you mad because that
is the emotion you chose to have as a result of someone’s words or actions? I
believe we are conditioned to lay blame and avoid responsibility for how we
feel. At some point, someone taught us to respond to certain situations with
certain emotions and now our responses are habit; conditioning, if you will
based on our experiences; based on what we were taught or what we observed.
We choose our emotions, whether we realize
it or not. We are a world of free speech. While not all people can read and
write, we can all speak some kind of language.
I believe the words we choose are to evoke some kind of reaction; a
reaction we would have if we heard those words. We do not know how someone will
react to our words; we do know how we will react to them, and I believe that we
choose words that will evoke the same emotion we will have to hearing them. If
someone tells me great job, I know that I felt great hearing those words. When
I use those words, I think that the recipient will feel the same way I felt.
What I do not know, and what I am not in control of is how the recipient will
actually feel. Perhaps the recipient has a negative association to the phrase
‘great job’; and when I say it, they respond with an emotion I did not expect. The
next thing I hear is how I made that person feel bad. My response is always I cannot make anyone feel anything unless I
physically touch them.
How do we navigate this communication
jungle? I believe the more responsibility we take for our own emotions, the
easier communication will be. I am not responsible for how you feel. You are
responsible for how you feel. I can only be a contributing factor to your
emotions if you let me. If I choose words that are intended to make you angry,
and you choose to not be angry, then my attempt fails, and you do not feel angry. If you choose to be angry,
that is your choice, and my attempt succeeds. Makes sense, doesn’t it?
To change our focus from ‘you made me’ to
‘I feel’ takes re-training and self-awareness. I believe the general population
walks around completely unaware of their effect on others. Having said that,
the general population can only have an effect on me if I let them. A simple example
that I feel you will understand is driving. Someone cuts you off, and you get
angry. You beep your horn, raise your middle finger, yell obscenities, even
racist remarks, and whatever mood you were in prior to the incident is gone.
That driver made you feel angry.
Not really.
You let that driver make you angry.
For the record, I used to react that way
to most dumbass driver moves. Now when a driver cuts me off, I figure they are
in more of a hurry than I am, and hey; have at ‘er! I am in control of how I
feel when another driver cuts me off. This perfect stranger who means nothing
to me on the grand scheme of life is not going to become a major player in my
life at that moment. If that driver caused me to have an accident and die, the
last emotion I felt was anger, and the last person I thought about was an
insignificant driver. No thank you.
Other reactions we have are to fear. Fear
will also ‘make us feel’ a certain way. Truthfully, I feel that most anger is
actually fear manifesting itself as anger. Fear of rejection, fear of getting
fired, fear of being alone, etc.. The new age explanation of fear is false evidence appearing real. Truer words were never written. I
believe we are responsible for our fears as well, which dovetails right into
our emotions.
Think about a time when you received
criticism at work. The emotion you chose was anger. The basis for the anger;
fear. Fear that you will not be respected, fear that you will be fired; even
shame if you get fired. Wow! So many emotions.
How can you let that go and turn it
around? Identify and understand your triggers. What makes you react a certain
way to a certain situation? Chances are it is either conditioning (you were
taught this response), or it is fear based. You are told you did not do a good
job, you respond with anger and a ‘you made me feel’ statement. The trigger was
being told you did a bad job, the response is blaming the messenger or others,
then the fear sets in (I’m going to be fired, I’m going to lose my house, etc.)
and the emotions escalate and the blame goes elsewhere.
If you receive criticism, first, consider
the source. Is the criticizer a major player in your life? Do they matter? If
no, let it go. If yes, then ask for clarification. Rather than say ‘you made me
feel’, use ‘I feel that your comment was <insert adjective>. Please help
me understand why you said what you said’. The first statement ‘you made me
feel’ not only gives the instigator the power over you, it also puts them on
the defensive because you are telling them they did something to you. The
second statement puts the control in your hands, and often makes the instigator
think about what they said. Most people do not know how to respond to being challenged
for what they said. Owning your emotions and asking for clarification usually
results in clearing the air and both parties walking away satisfied. Satisfied
because the instigator is aware that the recipient is displeased (or pleased);
and the recipient has clarification and chose the appropriate emotional
response for them. Think about it, if
you do not understand why something was said, then there is a good chance you
will continue repeating the mistake. While criticism rarely feels good, it is
an opportunity to learn and grow. The choice is yours. When you become
conscious of your emotions and your triggers, you can change them.
When I went through the exercise of trying
to understand why I was so angry all of the time, I was immediately taken back
to my childhood. I realized I conditioned myself to react a certain way to
certain situations. (For the record, I believe we all do this.) When really
delving into myself, I started to discover my triggers. Once I discovered my
triggers, I tested changing my response to them. Believe me, this was no quick
solution! It took me a few years to change my responses to my triggers, and I
still evaluate my triggers and work at changing my responses today. What
happened to me, over time, is that I no longer had triggers. While I may have
developed a few new ones, I am self-aware enough now to know that these will
not serve me well, and I work to remove them as soon as I become aware of them.
In
summary, remember to:
- Take responsibility for your own emotions.
- Become self-aware and learn your triggers then change your emotional response to them; eventually your triggers will disappear.
- Where necessary, ask for clarification and clear the air.
- Own your emotions. They are yours. You are in full control of them. No one can make you feel anything that you do not already feel or want to feel.
- Test yourself, and repeat until both the trigger and ‘you made me’ response disappear.
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