The Past Passed

I learned that in order to move forward, you have to revisit your past. It isn’t about just evaluating the last decade; that would be too easy. It is evaluating childhood, evaluating the situations that formed you, learning about how you started reacting to certain situations. It is only when you understand the pattern, can you break it.

      How many times have you thought “Oh no. Not this again.”. The word again implies you previously experienced this and it’s back. When I was younger, I would end the thought right there “Oh no. Not this again.”; however, now that I am little bit older and much more self-aware, I think “I guess I didn’t learn the lesson the first time.”. Then I go inwards and think about the circumstances of my life last time this happened, and compare it against my current situation. Many days of thinking later, I can usually find the pattern; not always; most of the time.

      I find that certain reactions I have (and I am using the word reaction in its truest form, which to me means, that I am not taking any time to think about what I am doing, I am just reacting) fall into a pattern, and whenever this happens, I react that way. It’s a vicious cycle, to be honest.

      A few years ago I sought out therapy because I was in one my perpetual (and obviously inevitable) little patterns and I was frustrated and wanted to stop the pattern (or as I lovingly refer to it, stop the insanity). I went and tried something called EMDR Therapy. EMDR, which is an abbreviation for Eye Movement Desensitization Therapy, and a therapy often used to treat those with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My therapist was fantastic, and was able to get to the crux of my craziness in four, short sessions. While I won’t bore you with what childhood trauma I was choosing to play out in my adult life, I will say that I became acutely aware of my patterns, and the therapy provided me with the tools to eliminate them. I made a whole bunch of changes – quit my job, broke up with my boyfriend, and spent one year soul searching and learning about who I am as an adult.

      In order to do all of that, unfortunately I had to unlock that door to my past. I cannot say that it was painful, it just was. It was more like I was an actor in someone else’s drama and I was viewing the situation from afar and yelling at myself in the past “you are not responsible!”.  One little phrase you are not responsible. What an impactful statement that was for me; and quite an oxymoron to how I conduct my life as an adult, because I feel I am totally responsible for all that I do or say today.

      Understanding my past, and forgiving my deep conscious self of any and all guilt I associated with my past, allowed me to change the way in which I manage my life in the present. Over time, I have come to realize that truly understanding where I came from provided me with a wealth of information about who I am today. How I react to certain situations, to people, to words. This process provided the greatest epiphanies of my life to date. So rewarding and so helpful in fact, that it no longer takes me days, weeks, months or years to first, figure out I am repeating a pattern, and second to figure out how to deal with the circumstances! I am acutely aware of me, how I feel, the effect I have on others, and if any of that is negative, I adjust first my thoughts, then my actions.

      Digging into your past can be a painful, even traumatic experience, specially if your characteristics are similar to mine, which are you are strong, independent, and learned to rely on yourself at a young age. These characteristics make it very difficult to even think of reaching out to anyone, let alone a professional. What I can offer is…do it! If you are repeating negative patterns, whether they are associated to relationships, work, your attitude, whatever; if you are repeating a negative pattern and you don’t like it, you can change it. While some of mine were deep seeded, others were on the surface and all attributed to the issues I experienced over and over and over again.

      I learned that self-awareness is my strongest tool in my tool kit of life. Knowing my triggers, knowing how to manage my responses, and eliminating my reactions, created a more consistent approach to my life and aligned who I felt I was on the inside with who I am on the outside. I was self-aware enough to know these patterns existed, and with a little help, I was able to break the cycle and understand how the cycle came into existence in the first place.

      I do not believe you can move forward if you repeat the past. Learn about the nuances of your past because they make up who you are in the present and will form the person you want to be in the future.